Twelve Years : A Parody
by Seralis
Summary: A parody. That those with...delicate feelings might not want to read. 'Cause we make fun of you, among other things. It's fun stuff. Cowritten with my personal goddess, WOATCAPIITON.


**Authors' Note: **

WOATCAPIITON - We wouldn't have written this if the fics weren't such a steaming pile of the finest horsh shit.

Seralis – And what she means by that is: "Thank you, twelvies. This wouldn't have been written without you. You know who you are. Heck, we might secretly be one. Or two, obviously." And **please note:** We didn't write this as a story. We wrote parodic dialogue around which we forced a 'story'. It's supposed to be ridiculous. We're pretty sure it is.

Anyway. So this is a parody. Yeahhhh. Of you guys. And us. A parody of the fandom's fics, and a little bit of the show too. Sooo…

WOATCAPIITON - We aren't mocking the authors "here or there, or anywhere," just poking fun at the common clichés that roam the fanfiction fandom. No one was in any way deliberately targeted, and if something herein resembles anything in your fic, it just further proves our Pardody - or something like that.

Seralis – I hit her over the head with Green Eggs and Ham recently. She's recovering. And she means Parody. I think.

WOAT - Crudders. I mean 'Parody'.

If you understand every single one of our jokes, you're a freaky genius. If you understand half of our jokes, you're an average ducky. If you think we're mean and stupid, you're blissfully ignorant (there, I changed it, happy Capii?).

Love (but only if you deserve it),

W & S

**Twelve Years: A Parody**

A knock at the front door of the ever-changing apartment of Temperance Brennan startled her. She was listening to 'Hot Blooded' by Foreigner, because she hadn't taken it out of the stereo ever since Booth got blown up (the heat traveled all the way across the room and melted it there.)

"Boothy?"

Indeed, it was Booth who stood on the other side of the door. Giving her his infamous 'Charm Smile', he held out a bag of food. "I bought THAI!"

"Yay!" Brennan jumped up and down, ecstatically happy because Thai food was all she ever ate ever since they mentioned it on…that show.

Over mee krob and fried rice, their eyes kept meeting, and Brennan finally voiced what had been on her mind for so long.

"I love you Booth. And oh my god, I can't believe I just said that. I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE! Although I guess I do now."

The biggest grin ever split Booth's face. "I love you too, Bones. I've loved you since the moment I met you. No, I loved you since birth. Even though you weren't alive when I was born. Oh my god, I loved your parents' sex cells!"

She grinned back. "Let's have unprotected sex so I can conceive and then get all angsty and pathetic because I don't want children even though I know you're going to change my mind in the next two chapters."

"I have an even better idea! Let's have unprotected pirate!sex."

"You are soooo smart, Boothy."

"Since when do you speak with a New Zealand accent?"

"Since right now, mate."

Fade Out. In the darkness, we can hear the sounds of hot and clearly pleasurable sex. Heck, it could be the best sex ever. And…what? What is that?

"_Grrr arrgh argghhh..."_

"…_BOOTH!"_

Oh. Right. Pirate sex.

* * *

"Booth? I want a big, white wedding. In a church. Even though white is traditionally worn to symbolize purity and virginity, and I'm a far cry from a virgin. And even though I'm not religious, and am against the idea of marriage. Maybe my father can marry us, even though he's not actually a priest." 

"Hmm."

"Booth? Are you religious?"

* * *

"I love you Seeley." 

"I love you too, Temperance. Wait...why are we using each other's first names again?"

"Duh, we're in LOVE. It's the only RATIONAL thing to do. It's the anthropological way of LIFE. Seeley."

"…that didn't even make sense."

* * *

The next day, Tempe arrived late to work at the lab, and was immediately accosted in the hall by Angela. 

"Why are you smiling? Oh My God! You had SEX?"

"I did not."

"I can tell!" Angela exclaimed, bouncing up and down with fervor glee. "You're GLOWING!"

Tempe rolled her eyes. "Hello? I exfoliated. Chill out, Angie."

"Come on, Bones, I know you had super-hot-best-EVA sex with Booth last night," Angela wheedled.

"Angela, why are you calling me Bones? But you're right. It was the best sex I've ever had. BOOTH AND BRENNAN 4EVA! Ahem."

Angela squealed loudly, the way she only does in that strange fictional world that thrives on the internet.

Cam's head popped out from her office. "Why are the two of you talking like twelve year olds? And what's this I hear about Booth and Brennan having sex?"

A cold pair of blue eyes focused on the woman, and Cam shivered. There was a mighty chilly breeze running through the institute. "Dr. Brennan? Dr. Brennan?! What are you doing with that bazooka?"

"I'm sorry Cam. But you stole MY MAN, and I must kill you now. I HAVE TO BE COOL. You understand, don't you?"

There was a BANG! And it was really loud.

* * *

Zach came by with a completed report for Cam. "Whoa. Why is Cam frothing at the mouth?" 

"Not sure, sweetie. Poison or something. Or maybe it was Bren's bazooka." Turning back to her smug friend, Angela asked, "Hey, wanna go shop for clothes for Hot!Date with Booth tonight? Then I can come over and do your makeup and make inappropriate innuendos about you and Booth!sex!"

Tempe shrugged. "I want Thai."

* * *

Squishing her nose against the glass of the store window, Angela gasps rather suddenly. "Shoes. Let's get some shoes. Shoes. OMG, shoes." 

"Huh?"

"I YouTubed last night."

"I don't know what that means. And now you're going to pat my head patronizingly and say I need to get out more, but that isn't rational since YouTube is Internet based, and therefore wouldn't matter if I was out or at home, and knowing that, I do, indeed know what YouTubing is."

Angela pats her bestestest friend's head patronizingly.

"I want Thai."

"…CAN YOU STOP SAYING THAT?"

* * *

That night, after a romantic dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant with the best ever spaghetti (because that's all Italian restaurants serve), Bones drops a bombshell on an unsuspecting Booth. 

"I love you, Booth. Enough to have your babies."

"'Kay."

* * *

"I want a gun. Give me the one in your pocket. Gimme gimme gimme."

* * *

"I have walls you know." 

"Walls?"

"Around my…heart."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah. They're forty feet high."

"…Neat."

* * *

"Let's make out on your couch." 

"Okay. But first I want to talk to you about something."

"Eh?"

"Since when do you speak with a Canadian accent?"

"Canadians have accents?"

"Damn straight they do. It's kind of like ours. Only better."

"Canadians are just better in general."

"Even in bed?"

"Especially in bed."

"But you aren't Canadian…"

"Aren't I?"

"I want Thai. Is Thai Canadian?"

* * *

Booth and Tempe were strolling down the street, hand in hand, humming lightly, when Booth caught sight of someone familiar. Who was it? 

He tugged Tempe's sleeve, and pointed across the street. "Look! It's dick423. 395? 083? Hey, it's dickface!"

She hit his arm playfully. "Boothy, silly goose, His name is Davie! Just like yours in real life."

His face scrunched up seriously, as though a deep and well versed thought haunted his very soul. "I want Thai."

"That's nice." And then they shared The Look of Sexual Tension. "Whoa, buddy. If you're going to be all in my face like that, USE A BREATH MINT. Do you _want_ to aggravate my gag reflex?"

* * *

"Hey, Bones?" 

"Yeah."

"Parker, who has met you once, but apparently LOVES YOUR BOOKS even though he's only four and can barely hold them open, wants you to come to the zoo with us."

"I...can't."

"WHY IN GOD'S NAME NOT? I used the Lord's name in vain…fuck. I'm so on the smite list."

"I just…I can't!"

"Tell me the truth!"

"I'm... scared of the...penguins."

"They attack people. I know. So, you wanna come?"

* * *

"Hi Dr. Benan. My da da sez you're preeettyyy." 

"Booth? Your son is four, right?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure he doesn't have, like, developmental problems?"

"EFF YOU, FANFICTION WRITERS!"

"I know what that means but I'm going to say I don't know what that means because it's endearing and I do know what it means but I'm going to say I don't know what that means and Seeley, you say it's an olive branch. Kay? Kay?"

* * *

Scene: (because we're too lazy to actually describe anything, which completely defeats the purpose of WRITING. Hint Hint.) At the zoo. Outside an ice cream parlor. 

Booth, Tempe, and Parker are all eating ice cream cones.

"You know," Tempe spoke up, "This is really good even though I'm vegan."

* * *

Zach? Smile and wave, buddy. Good. 

"This is my favourite bug. His name is Peter. Hiii, Peeetieee."

Anything else you'd like to say, Zachy?

"Yeah. I'm not deaf. Or dumb. Or oblivious. Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean that I don't know that Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth are having sex on the examination tables every night."

It's okay. We love you, Zach-face.

* * *

"These autopsy tables are surprisingly soft and durable." 

"They're good for tracing pictures too."

* * *

"Where are we going?" 

"To inform the dead girl's parents their daughter is dead."

"Oh, yeah." They sat in silence for the rest of the ride.

When they arrived, The Dead Girl's Parents let them in, their expressions tearful and expectant.

Grimly, Booth made their introductions. "I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth with the FBI. And this is my partner Dr. Brennan."

"I'm an anthropologist," Tempe offered.

"What's that?" The Dead Girl's Mother asked.

"It's a person who looks at bones," Tempe said proudly.

The Dead Girl's Mother looked skeptical. "…Are you sure?"

* * *

"ALPHA MALE TENDENCIES!" 

"You know, I can't remember the last time you actually said that. If ever."

* * *

In the lab, Hodgins was sniffing Angela's hair once more. 

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Oh, Pantene. Really gets in there and leaves my hair soft and shiny."

"Pantene you say?"

"Oh, yes. They have this amazing range for curly hair too."

"Ah. My hair is always in tangles. This shampoo sounds _terrif_, Ange."

"Well," she smiled. "You could always come over tonight and I could…give you a sample."

He burst out laughing. "That has got to be the worst line ever."

"Don't I know it," she huffed. 'The things people make me say nowadays."

* * *

Hodgins strolled into Angela's office, coffee in hand. "Where's Brennan?" 

She took the coffee and they shared The Look of True Love That We're Going To Ignore For The Sake Of Our Colleagues Even Though Booth And The Recently Deceased Cam Were Fucking Anyway. "Kidnapped again."

"Huh. Must be Tuesday."

"Yep. Booth's pissed."

"I'll bet he is. He's been kidnapped too."

"BOTH of them? At the same time? God, the ex-lovers are getting restless."

"No kidding. Hey, do you know if they're going to do something about Cam's body anytime soon? I like my decomp as much as the next person, but in the hall? Come _on_!"

"I hear she's still frothing at the mouth."

"…Eww."

* * *

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" 

"You haven't said that since early Season One. Hell, Zach's said it more this season than you have."

"…fuck. My character has no purpose. OMG THEY'LL AXE ME! JUST LIKE GOODMAN!"

"...What does...oh emm gee mean?"

* * *

Angela, Hodgins, Zach and Dr. Goodman are searching through a mysterious forest with a magnifying glass for clues. 

"Look! They left a trail of breadcrumbs that we will follow to find Booth and Bones!"

"Clever." They all said in awe of Brenth's brilliance. Brenth? Brenth.

Suddenly, a popping sound grabbed their attention. Dr. Goodman was nowhere to be seen, with nothing more than a pink puff of smoke left behind.

"Maybe we'll see him next season," Angela shrugged.

"I hope not. He kind of bugged me," Hodgins interjected.

Then the sound of someone eating distracted them. Eating…breadcrumbs.

"ZACK!"

"What?"

"How do you spell your name? 'Cause there's been a little debate about that…"

Hodgins nudged Angela, cutting her off. "Look! An abandoned warehouse! They MUST be there!"

* * *

Two hours later, everyone was safe, and all the evil ex-lovers of both Booth and Brennan had either been scorned to death or had escaped into the forest, never to be seen again. 

Tempe, however, was slightly hysterical on the way to the hospital. "Oh, NO! Booth has been shot/blown up/stabbed in a fatal way AGAIN!"

"Don't worry!" Angela comforted. "He'll be discharged in three days, even though there's a HOLE in his gut!"

That didn't seem to soothe the distraught doctor, however.

Weakly, Booth called out, "Bones?"

She rushed to his side the best she could, considering that they were sitting next to each other in Hodgins' little Mini Cooper. "Yes?"

He laboured to get the words out, clearly in a lot of pain from the beating Tempe's ex-lovers had given him. The sodomy hadn't really helped either. Oh god, that was going to take forever to recover from. Maybe if he went to confession…

"I just want you to know…you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, even though you're muddy and beat up and your left eye is swollen shut."

"Can't say I can return the sentiment."

"Bones?"

"Yeah?"

"We…we all die a little, Bones."

She pouted. "I _said_ I was sorry I broke that vase in your apartment!"

Silence. "Are you sure this isn't about your issues with your family?"

A pause. "For fuck's sake, not everything is about my family! God, can't a girl have a little of her own angst without making it all about someone else? It's about ME, okay? God."

* * *

And when everyone was all better, they had a party. There was alcohol, mistletoe (even though it was only July), and a Moose. And a sing-a-long. (Everyone, of course, had AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL voices. Even though we all know David...that is, Booth can't sing for shit.) 

_"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?"_

There was a few seconds' pause, and then a familiar rhythm started up; an old tired song – and why not? It's the only song that exists in Washington, D.C. Heck, it might be the only song in the whole world. That and the Barney song.

"_Hot Blooded, check it and see…"_

"Oh, Boothy! You play the air guitar reeeaalll good."

"That's not all I play _well_," he leered.

"Quick, Angela!" Hodgins shouted. "Turn the blinds that magically appear on the windows whenever we engage in sexual activity."

"Hodgie," she said affectionately. "It's called a fade out. Children who are uncomfortable with writing sex scenes - who shouldn't be writing sex scenes to begin with – use them to avoid sounding as ridiculous as the children who shouldn't be writing sex scenes but do."

Fade Out.

* * *

_Nine months later…_

"Twins! We have TWINS!"

"Oh my god! They opened their eyes, even though they're only two minutes old! And look! The boy looks JUST LIKE YOU and the girl looks JUST LIKE ME."

"You're right! I bet the girl will be just as smart as you and she'll grow up to be a forensic anthropologist and the boy will be as tough as me and he'll be a FBI Agent! Because kids ALWAYS go into the same professions as their parents! Like George BUSH!"

Tempe laughed for no apparent reason, feeling energized and comfortable, because even though she'd just passed two babies through her vaginal canal, her labour had been completely painless.

And they lived happily ever after.

Fade out for real this time.

* * *

p.s. Tempe was the Greatest Step-Mom Ever to little Parker. Because all small children love the woman, and parenting comes naturally to her, even though she's socially impaired, cold, and…oh, yeah, broken. Deep down inside. Like wayyy, deep. Like, so deep, she isn't even broken. But don't worry. Boothy will fix her.

* * *

**Authors' Note the Second: **

Conan Steel giggles, and says, "Come on. Giggle with me. You know you want to. Look, I'm coherent and I'm practically an infant. TAKE THAT, PARKER!"

"Oh, what's that? Huh? Oh. My mommies want me to tell you to go ahead and flame. My Canadian mommy is really cold 'cause it's winter, and my New Zealand mommy just wants to make grilled cheese sandwiches and watch episodes of Heroes. Okay?"

Seriously. Do it. Go ahead, punk-face. (tilts collective chin) Brrring it onnn. Except not like that movie.

Reviews feed our collective souls. Or at least, they would if I hadn't mailed mine to a certain someone who shall remain unnamed.

Use. The. Glue. Emily Deschanel. Back. Do. It.


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